


I Did It Because I Couldn't Live Without You

by shipfiction



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Car Accident, M/M, Suicide, this is incredibly cliche, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 20:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipfiction/pseuds/shipfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall just can't do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Did It Because I Couldn't Live Without You

“Harry, please come to the store with me? Please?” Niall begs, tugging on the sleeve of Harry’s shirt, trying to get the other boy to tag along on his quick store run.

“I don’t want to go, Niall, stop bothering me.” Harry groans, looking up at Niall with a smile on his face, his cheeks red and his dimples showing.

“It’s your fault we ran out of crisps anyway, just come with me, give me some company!” Niall continues, pulling Harry up and off of the couch. “I’ll do that thing you like when we get back, only if you come with me.” Niall says, and Harry sighs, his shoulders slumping.

“You can’t bribe me, this isn’t fair.” Harry mumbles, nodding. “Okay, I’ll go.” The younger boy moves around his boyfriend, walking towards the front door of their house to pick up his coat and pull it on before turning around and looking expectantly at the other boy. “Well come on, then.” Niall smiles at Harry and walks to the table near the door, picking up Harry’s car keys, looking down before sliding his feet into Harry’s white converse.

“Your feet are huge.” Niall says, pulling a laugh out of the other boy.

“Then don’t wear my shoes.” Harry smiles, leaning down to pull on a classic black pair of his converse. Harry finishes, standing up straight before peering down at Niall, pressing a soft kiss onto the other boy’s nose. “After you.” Niall grins and kisses Harry’s lips before opening the door and walking out and into the cold of the night, jumping down the porch steps, quickly walking towards his car. “So eager.”

“Shut up.” Niall laughs, unlocking the car before opening the door to Harry’s Audi.

“Nice car choice, babe, really.” Harry sighs, walking around to the other side of the vehicle and pulling the door open before climbing inside. Niall follows, shutting the door after himself and slipping the key into the ignition. “You’re lucky I love you.” Harry says, slamming the car door, glancing over to look at the blonde.

“Yeah, well I hate you.” Niall says, buckling his seatbelt and looking behind him before reversing out of their driveway and peeling off down the street, all the while throwing several glances over to Harry’s side of the car. “Oh, hell, put your fucking seatbelt on, Harry!”

“No need, Niall, there’s nobody around.” Harry argues, turning on the radio, smiling softly to himself as some underground band plays through the speakers.

“It doesn’t matter, Harry, put your damn seatbelt on.” Niall says, pulling up to a stop sign and looking left, then right before pushing his foot down on the gas pedal, driving on down the empty streets. “Gonna give me a bloody aneurysm.” Niall leans back in his seat, the car rolling down the street, smooth, steady.

“You care too much.”

“You’re right, I do.” Niall says, pressing his foot down a bit harder on the gas pedal, blinking slowly. “I hate you, but I love you, so, so much.” Niall peels his eyes away from the road and looks at Harry, studying his face, taking in his facial features, his beautiful smile, his beautiful eyes, his beautiful hair, his beautiful everything. Niall smiles at Harry, completely forgetting about the task at hand. Niall definitely doesn’t notice the next stop sign coming closer and closer.

“This is getting way too cute.” Harry says, leaning in to kiss Niall quickly on the lips, pulling away with a smile. Niall blushes and glances behind Harry’s head, gasping as he notices a car barreling towards them full speed. Niall tears his eyes away from Harry and looks wildly around, watching the stop sign falling behind them as the blonde drives them both into the middle of the intersection. “What’s wrong?” Harry asks, looking in the direction of the car that’s so fucking close, and it’s like time is moving in slow motion as Harry whips his head around to look at his boyfriend, and it’s like he knows exactly what Niall’s thinking, it’s like he already knows his fate. “This isn’t your fault, Niall, this isn’t your fault. You know I love you with all my fucking heart, okay, don’t blame this on yourself. I’ll be okay, we’ll be okay. I love you so mu-“ The car hits Harry’s side with such a force their tiny car swivels as it skids to the left, the sound of metal crunching almost as loud as the thick shock in the air.

Harry’s body is propelled forward, his head hitting the windshield and breaking through with a loud crash and sickening crack, a quiet whimper passing his lips and he goes limp. Niall’s body does the same, his head hitting against the steering wheel. The Audi finally comes to a stop, the screech of tires finally ending, the street going silent. Niall’s world fades out as he eventually lifts his head and looks next to him, finding Harry’s seat empty. Half of Harry’s body is through the windshield, his arms sprawled out on the hood of his beloved car, his legs still inside, his figure curved over the dashboard. Niall doesn’t know when or why he started screaming, all he knows is that he’s so scared, so confused, but he knows this is all his fault.

“Harry, oh my god, Harry!” Niall cries, feeling pure panic well up inside of him, like a demon, getting bigger and bigger until he feels like he can’t move, he can’t help Harry, he can’t to him quick enough, and he passes out.

**

That was six months ago, but Niall still can’t get the crash out of his mind. He knows that the whole thing was his fault. Maybe, if he hadn’t made Harry come along with him he would still be alive right now. Maybe, if he hadn’t stared at him for so long, he would still be alive right now. Maybe, if he wasn’t such a fucking idiot, Harry would be alive right now. Niall sighs and shifts on the couch, slipping his hand under his right sleeve to gently scratch at old cuts on his arm. Niall can’t shake the itch; he can’t shake the need for something more.

If he’s honest, he saw this coming the second he got out of the hospital. Niall knew he wouldn’t last, he knew he couldn’t last without his Harry. He needs to be with Harry, and he can’t very well do that when he’s alive and breathing, now can he? Niall leans his head back, resting his head against the back of the couch. One Direction is on a prolonged break right now; everyone’s taking their time to grieve. Niall turns his head to look at the front door, knowing no one’s supposed to come and check up on him for another two hours. That’s enough time, isn’t it?

The blonde picks himself up off the couch and stumbles a few steps before regaining his balance, making his way towards the bathroom. He flips on the light and walks to stand in front of the room, taking in his pale appearance before pulling open a drawer and taking out a razor, and three bottles of pills he’s kept just for this moment. Niall sets the items on the counter and closes the drawer with his hip before tucking his fingers under the hem of his shirt, tugging it off, tossing it to the side. Niall raises his eyes and stares at his reflection in the mirror, closing his eyes as he feels Harry’s hands ghost over his chest in his mind.

“I miss you so much, Harry.” Niall whispers, making himself keep his tears in. He doesn’t deserve to cry, and he hasn’t, not since Harry left. He hasn’t let himself cry. Niall opens his eyes and looks at himself one last time before picking up a bottle of pills and twisting the cap off, dumping out the entire bottle into his fist. Niall takes a deep breath and leaves the bathroom to get a glass of water, sitting down at the kitchen counter.

Worthless, a pill downed. Fucking idiot, another pill. Waste of space, another pill. Harry, another pill. The crash, another pill. Harry’s body lying across the dashboard, another pill. Niall continues like this until his hand is empty, until he feels calm. Niall fills up his glass and chugs the water down before setting it on the counter, leaving it. Niall walks back to the bathroom and gets his anti-depressants out of the cabinet, shaking out 10 into his hand, swallowing those dry.

“I’m almost with you, baby.” Niall says, stumbling out of the bathroom and making his way towards the bedroom, lying down on the bed that’s way too big for one. Niall sighs, and lets himself drift off, lets himself let go, leaving to be with the one he loves. The one he needs. He leaves to be with Harry.

**

Harry,

You told me it wasn’t my fault, but Harry, it was. It was all my fault. If I didn’t ask you to come with me, you would still be here. If I had paid attention to the goddamn road, you would still be here. I wouldn’t be miserable; my mind wouldn’t be on you all the time. I wouldn’t feel so worthless, so lost. You would still be alive. I could have you in my arms, feel you, breathe you in. Kiss you. But I can’t. And it’s my fault.

I’ve been planning this for a long time. I wrote everyone a note a long time ago. I wrote yours first. Not like I could actually give it to you, but I wrote one anyway. I just can’t live without you. I miss you, Harry. I just want you to be mine again. I just want to see you again.

Yours,

Niall

**Author's Note:**

> find [this](http://shipfiction.tumblr.com/post/36200531361/title-i-did-it-because-i-couldnt-live-without) and [me](http://shipfiction.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


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